Welcome to LOST IN FOLKLORE, where I take a lighthearted look at elements of folk stories, fairy tales, myths and monsters. If you’ve arrived here by accident and want to unsubscribe, please do. It helps makes sure everyone on this quest wants to be here.
Oh, I did mention it’s a quest, right? Umm…forget I said anything.
Just watch out for the skeletons with swords…
Hey there.
October 31 draws near. The veils between worlds grow thin.
This Halloween, here are five spooky powers I’d (probably) kill to have.
Bat transformation
Picture the scene: your great uncle Geoff is deep into a lecture about his passion for steam locomotives.
Or you’ve delivered an absolute zinger of a joke, are surrounded by admirers, and need to make a fast exit before your personality ruins it.
Or a construction worker just shouted, ‘Cheer up love, it might never happen.’
What is your best move in all these scenarios?
Well, naturally you’re going to want to turn into a bat.
First seen in Bram Stoker's novel Dracula (1897), in this book the Count also turns into a wolf and a mist. But I’m going to save the latter for when I lock myself out of the house again.
There are suggestions that Dracula could transform into a swarm of bats, which would certainly make a statement, but I can’t find evidence that this ever happened in a film or if it was just an idea that got passed around and is now taken as fact. Sources in the comments if you have them, please!
For now, we are sticking with the old school singular. Think of it; you’d be at once elusive, dramatic and downright frightening (also my LinkedIn bio.) There’s just no topping this as a conversational full stop. Turning into a bat is the ultimate mic drop. 🎤 🦇 Bonus points if you hang around to drain the blood of that construction worker, or suck just enough of Uncle Geoff’s AB negative that he has to shut the fuck up about the Flying Scotsman. 🩸
Broomstick riding
As train fares reach the level of a flight into space, over usage of cars threatens to choke the roads and the planet and genuine hoverboards just plain refuse to be invented, being able to bewitch a broomstick and have it transport you to that urgent meeting is looking preeetty good right now.
It’s thought that the notion of witches riding broomsticks emerged from pagan rituals of farmers dancing astride poles to encourage their plants to grow, mixed with tales of witches flying to their clandestine gatherings. Source 🧙 Others suggest it is connected to witches applying hallucinogenic plants to their private parts. 😳 Read more here if that’s your jam.
Whatever the source, the first images, pictured above, were seen in 1451, in French poet Martin Le Franc’s manuscript Le Champion des Dames (The Defender of Ladies).
See how happy they look! No rush hour road rage. No sweaty armpit train trauma. Crucially, no other people. Just a Wiccan, their trusty besom and the open skies. Bliss!
I mean, true, those happy faces might well be due to the plant drugs they are currently dry humping but, what the hell. I’m terrible at housework so my yard brush might as well be good for something…
Returning from the dead
The first depiction of a kind of Zombie was said to be in The Magic Island (1929) by William Seabrook, in which a corpse was reanimated by Voodoo. But the zombie was later firmly entrenched in the public’s imagination by George A. Romero's 1968 film Night of the Living Dead, pictured above.
And okay, even though Zombies have evolved since then, I know it’s still not the most obvious aspirational lifestyle, what with the greyish pallor and all that shuffling. (I’ve got enough of that going on while I’m alive, thanks very much.)
But setting aside the purifying innards and the taste for human flesh for a moment, there are some upsides to returning from the grave. In fact, some might say the undead era is absolutely #livingYourBestLife in this harrowing time of late stage capitalism. I mean, how much more off the grid can you be - you don’t even have a nervous system!
Think of it. No need for a job - and anyway, who’s gonna hire someone who stinks of putrid flesh and might take a chunk out of the customers? (Ok, maybe that last fast food place your tinder date took you to.)
No outgoings - zombies don’t need a house, a car, wifi, or an air fryer, which mercifully also cuts down on the number of conversations about air fryers.
And, best of all, you can forage your meals from the streets like a proper Freegan, targeting the worst of humanity (your toxic exes, your estate agents) whilst doing good for the planet by reducing waste, challenging overconsumption and protesting the ethical impacts of capitalist economies.
Elon Musk better watch out - I foresee quite the scrum at his buffet.
Cursing
Witches casting curses is a staple plot point of folklore, myth and literature, from the White Witch of Narnia who made it always winter and never Christmas, to Athena cursing Medusa to her serpentine bad hair day and petrifying visage.
And while of course not all witches serve the dark side, and while of course we would never really curse anyone, boy, wouldn't it be a handy skill to have sometimes?
I’d like to think I’d keep it strictly for righteous causes. But the thing about hexing is, you can see how easily it would get out of hand. One minute you’re cursing a military dictator with a bout of syphilis or dooming a serial killer to a nasty demise, the next you’re sticking pins in the poppet of your next door neighbour over a row about his sexy garden gnome.
We need guidelines. Certainly we do.
So, curses are only to be used on the most heinous of cases. No cursing traffic wardens, cold callers or crocs wearers. Absolutely no hexing people who use their phones in the cinema. (Right? I mean, probably. Right? Right. Probably.)
And absolutely zero tolerance on cursing internet trolls to a lifetime of misfortune.
Because how would they even know the difference?
Frankenstein’s monster’s parts
Let’s be clear - I don’t want to be a creature made from disparate body parts collected by a doctor from “vaults and charnel houses”, as written about by Mary Shelley in the eponymous novel of 1818.
That said, I’m getting on a bit now and frankly I can begin to see the charm in being able to replace my parts for newer, more reliable ones.
Doctor Frankenstein started with a skeleton and went from there. I’ve got a bit more to work with, but there are definitely some areas that could do with an upgrade.
Hmmm Let’s see…what did the monster end up with?
LIMBS - “Its limbs were in proportion.”
Yes! Result! I’m rather long bodied which makes buying jeans a total hassle. I’ll take it!
SKIN - “Translucent yellowish skin pulled so taut over the body that it barely disguised the workings of the arteries and muscles underneath."
Hmm, okay. Skip that one. Anyone who has seen me with a hangover knows I’ve got that covered.
FACE - “I had selected its features as beautiful. Beautiful! Great God!”
Yes please. I look pretty good at a certain angle in favourable weather conditions, but it’s hard work always facing South by South West in a moderate breeze.
EYES - “Eyes, if they may be called so, were a dull yellow."
As above, I’ve got that covered.
HAIR AND TEETH - “The hair of the creature was of a lustrous black, and flowing; his teeth of a pearly whiteness.”
Shut up and take my money!
LIPS - “His lips were straight and black.”
Well, I don’t mind a black lip actually - takes me back to my ‘90s grunge days. And saves money on cosmetics. DONE.
OVERALL VISAGE: “The features of the monster were expressive of a wildness and a rage; his teeth chattered and his eyes rolled.”
I mean…this sounds like the resting bitch face I already have. *Sigh*. I think I’ll leave it for now.
I would definitely take some of Frankenstein’s creation’s parts; especially the pearly whites! And turning into a bat does sound like fun. Great article!
Ah thank you I did laugh at this! Especially the Super - Power of changing into a bat haha! Re the Cursing, me and my bestie have a thing we call 'small low-impact cursing' - used, for example, on those people with phones in the cinema. This involves cursing them with, say, never being able to find the exact shade of nail polish they want, or their queue always moving slowest at the supermarket. I mean technically still vengeance but, y'know, gently....